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Outside » Outside Features

The Adverse Weather Conditions Bowl



It's pre-bowl season now in the college sports world, the period when your Saturdays are spent clicking aimlessly between non-conference college basketball matchups and TNT's weekly screening of Independence Day. The only other thing of note occupying your time is the ongoing assail of the BCS system. But the truth is you're wasting your time. There will never be a playoff system, let's accept that and instead use the other list of bowls strictly for comedic value.

Here are some bowls I propose the NCAA or whatever group of pharmaceutical companies, financial institutions and tortilla chip makers implement next season:

The Fourth and Long Bowl: For this game, there's no punting allowed. If it's fourth and 15 on your own 7 yard line, you have to go for it. Not only would this surely spark massive amounts of scoring, it would keep those lanky, awkward face-mask-wearing punters off the field.

The Adverse Weather Conditions Bowl: The site will change each year, but one thing will be certain, the weather will be just awful. Games are more fun to watch when there's a foot of snow on the ground, it's pouring rain or two cheerleaders and an offensive coordinator get sucked up in a tornado.

The Smoke-A-Bowl: Ever played football... on weed? The two teams picked for this THC-mandatory matchup will be able to answer that question. Observers may become annoyed, however, when a linebacker lets a running back into the end zone because he "all of a sudden just realized, man, that there's so much more to life than tackling dudes."

The Jessica Fletcher Bowl: This game, honoring the heroine of the Murder She Wrote series, allows spectators to guess which player killed one of the security guards before the game. Unfortunately, a security guard will have to die to make this one work.

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