Let's not mince words: I deeeeeeeespise the Super Bowl. And I'm not too crazy about regular football, either. But the Super Bowl represents America at its most boring and grotesque—and even worse? For an entire week it completely overshadows and interrupts a lot of great TV, which—HELLOOOOOO SPORTS FANS! IT'S ME, THE SUPER BOWL! DON'T FORGET TO TUNE INTO THE SUPER BOWL THIS SUNDAY, SUNDAY, SUNDAY ON CBS AT 6:30 PM EASTERN AND 3:30 PM PACIFIC! I'M LOUD! I'M GROTESQUE! I'M... THE SUUUUUUPER BOOOOOOWL!!!
Did you see? Did you see what just happened there? I was totally saying something important and the stupid Super Bowl interrupted me! Unnnngghghh!! I hate the stupid Super Bowl so much! That's why I'm going to devote this column to shows that actually deserve your atten—WHHAAAT'S UP, SPORTS FANS!!! DON'T FORGET SUPER, SUPER, SUPER BOWL SUNDAY FEATURING THE AFC'S BALTIMORE RAVENS VS. NFC CHAMPS SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS! LET'S GET DRUNK, EVERYBODY! IT'S GONNA BE AWWWWWWESOMMMMME!! SUUUPER BOWWWWWL!
Gahh!!! Stupid Super Bowl! Stop interrupting! Anyway, I'm only going to talk about worthwhile shows... such as the thoughtful new drama series The Americans (FX, Wednesday, Jan. 30, 10 p.m.), which stars Matthew Rhys and Keri Russell (SQUEEEEE! Felicity!!) as Soviet KGB sleeper agents during the '80s "Cold War" who pose as a normal American married couple. Even their kids don't know that their folks are secretly commie spies, and—WHO LIKES COMMIE SPIES? NOBODY THAT'S WHO! THAT'S WHY YOU SHOULD WATCH SUPER BOWL'S GREATEST COMMERCIALS (CBS, WEDNESDAY, JAN. 30, 8 P.M.) FEATURING THE MOST AWESOME HOMOPHOBIC SUPER BOWL SNICKERS ADS EVER!! BECAUSE IF THERE'S ONE THING WORSE THAN THE COMMIES, IT'S THE QUEERS!! RAAAAAAAAHH, SUPER BOWL!!
Goddammit. Don't watch that! Just... just... okay, how about this: Tune in on Thursday, Jan. 31 on NBC at 8 p.m. for the 30 Rock series finale! After garnering 90 Emmy nominations and 14 wins, 30 Rock ends its run as one of the smartest, most satirically topical com—AAARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL?? DON'T WATCH 30 ROCK! IT'S FILLED WITH UGLY WOMEN AND UPPITY NEW YORK JEWS! WATCH THE SUPER BOWL INSTEAD! WE'VE GOT HALF-NEKKID HOT CHICK CHEERLEADERS... AND NACHOS!! YAAAAY, SUPER BOWL!! BOOOOO, "THINKING"!!
Oh... my... god. Okay, I'm going to give this one last try. If you secretly believe all surgeons are closet psychopaths, then do not miss Do No Harm (NBC, Thursday, Jan. 31, 10 p.m.). Hot poop neurosurgeon Dr. Jason Cole (Steven Pasquale from Rescue Me) has an interesting secret: Every night at exactly 8:25 his dickhead alternate personality takes over and spends the entire night effing up the nice doctor's life—leaving quite a mess for Cole to clean up in the morning! Obviously, this show is a modern remake of The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, and—SUUUUU-SUUUU-SUUUPER BOWL HERE! DR JEKYLL?? WHAT IS THAT? A BOOK? BOOKS ARE FOR UGLY NEW YORK JEW QUEERS! ME WANT SOME FOOTBALL!! ME WANT SUPER B—
Shut up, shut up, shut up!! Look, you meathead sports fascist! I will never, ever, EVER watch the... wait. Did you say "nachos"? Okay, I'm in.
Where every day is the Twitter Bowl! @WmSteveHumphrey
8:00 CW ARROW
Oliver discovers a new drug called "Vertigo"—umm, why should I pay for this, when I can stand on top of a building and get it for free?
10:00 FX THE AMERICANS
Debut! Hijinx ensue when an FBI agent moves in across the street from the KGB spies! (Don't invite him to dinner!)
8:00 NBC 30 ROCK
Series finale! Liz says goodbye to TGS, and Kenneth says hello to his new job as... president of NBC?!?
10:00 NBC DO NO HARM
Debut! A doctor's evil alter ego runs wild every night, and... waitasecond... is this my life story?!?
9:00 VH1 BEST SUPER BOWL CONCERT EVER
The "best super bowl concert ever" and the headliner is TRAIN?? HAHAHAHAAHAAAAAA!!! Right.
8:00 NBC AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR
The best clips from season four of the most insane obstacle course show EVARRR!
10:00 HBO GIRLS
Special day and time! Hannah's "grown-up dinner party" is ruined by her "completely gross and immature friends."
3:00 ANI PUPPY BOWL IX
Better in every single way.
9:00 PBS DOWNTON ABBEY
Cora and Robert are at odds when he makes disparaging remarks about her Super Bowl nachos.
10:00 TNT MONDAY MORNINGS
Debut! A new doctor drama starring Battlestar Galactica's dreamboaty Jamie Bamber! (SQUEEEEEE!)
9:00 NBC SMASH
Season premiere! The Marilyn Monroe musical runs into financial trouble when no one wants to fund this piece of shit.
10:00 SPIKE THE JOE SCHMO SHOW
Chase begins to suspect he's being set up, because... umm... HE'S BEING SET UP!