Wanna know the problem with the goddamn Academy Awards? I'll TELL you the problem with the goddamn Academy Awards—they are too limited. The only awards they hand out are for movies! I mean, movies are ohhhh-kay I guess—but they certainly can't compete with the artistry and interest level of Breaking Bad, Justified, Girls, The Americans, Louie, or Downton Abbey. AND they're an idiotic way to spend $10 ($12 if it's in 3-D, and $37 if you want popcorn and a drink). That's why the Academy Awards (ABC, Sunday, Feb. 24, 5:30 p.m.) needs to broaden their goddamn horizons, and include awesome things that AREN'T movies. For example!
• Speed Boat Jumping! Which would you rather do: Watch a three-hour long movie about LINCOLN (snore!) that's so boring that the poop in your ass will actually move into someone else's ass (just to change things up a little), OR 20 minutes of freaking awesome speed boats going 90 mph jumps over a pontoon boat filled with topless cheerleaders shooting off penis-shaped roman candles? AND THE OSCAR GOES TO... Speed Boat Jumping!
• Monkeys Murdering Osama bin Laden! Again, it's all about how you'd rather spend your time. Is it watching an over-written, gruelingly tedious movie about a government bureaucrat's efforts to kill bin Laden? Or is it a 10-minute parody (that hasn't been made, but should be!) starring monkeys dressed in military uniforms, reenacting the bin Laden assassination? (PRO TIP for anyone making this movie: Monkeys look like they're talking if you feed them peanut butter!) AND THE OSCAR GOES TO... Wm.™ Steven Humphrey for coming up with the greatest movie idea of the century!
• An Especially Delicious Sandwich! What am I thinking?!? How can this even be a competition? How can a stupid movie—such as Les Miserables—hope to compete with a delicious Philly Cheesesteak sandwich, or an equally delicious Reuben piled high with God's favorite meat, corned beef? How can an emaciated, caterwauling Anne Heche (whose haircut looks like she fell asleep under a lawnmower) hope to compare with a Shrimp Po Boy that might not sing, but does squirt a heaping dollop of "awesome" into your mouth with every bite? ANSWER MY GODDAMN QUESTION!!! HOW????? AND THE OSCAR GOES TO... Anne Heche—but only if she quits acting and eats a sandwich.
• A TV Show Featuring Robots Beating the Crap Out of Each Other! Unlike the "monkeys who murder bin Laden" movie or the non-existent Shrimp Po Boy that should currently be inside my mouth, THIS TV SHOW IS REAL. Called Robot Combat League (Syfy, debuting Tuesday, Feb. 26, 10 p.m.), this is not your grandfather's Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots—these are actual eight-foot-tall state-of-the-art metal clanking death machines that are controlled by humans and sent into the ring to battle (and hopefully decapitate) their robotic opponents. Hosted by the WWE's Chris Jericho (!!), Robot Combat League makes any modern film not featuring giant fist-fighting robots—I'm looking at you, Life of Pi!—look like just another goddamn waste of $37 ($93 if you take a date). AND THE OSCAR GOES TO... An eight-foot-tall robotic monkey murdering Osama bin Laden with a jumping speed boat! (Have a sandwich, robot monkey. You deserve it!)
And the Twitter Oscar goes to... @WmSteveHumphrey
9:00 DSC POT COPS
Debut! Actual bags of marijuana become cops in this new reality show. (Note: I could be wrong about this.)
10:00 FX THE AMERICANS
When President Reagan is the victim of an attempted assassination, everybody blames the KGB. AGAIN.
8:30 NBC PARKS & RECREATION
Two back-to-back episodes featuring smoochy-smoochy Ben and Leslie!
10:00 ABC SCANDAL
I cannot recommend this show to anyone who isn't clinically insane—but I will recommend it to you.
10:30 IFC OUT THERE
Debut! A new animated show about a 15-year-old named "Chad" and his outcast pals.
9:00 SYFY END OF THE WORLD—Movie
(2013) Brad Dourif stars as a sci-fi obsessed nerd who has the key to stopping the apocalypse!
8:30 ABC THE ACADEMY AWARDS
Sigh. You know... the "Yoozh."
9:00 HBO GIRLS
Hannah visits Jessa's family—who are even more annoying than she is (if possible).
9:00 AMC THE WALKING DEAD
Rick deals with a security breach—that may be the ghost of his dead wife! OooooOOOoooooh!
9:00 E! FASHION POLICE
It's the "Academy Awards" edition, where Joan Rivers will certainly make fun of Jessica Chastain's vagina.
9:00 HBO BEYONCE: LIFE IS BUT A DREAM
A documentary about Beyonce—made by Beyonce! And watched by... Beyonce!
10:00 CBS GOLDEN BOY
Debut! A young cop eventually becomes NYC's police commissioner, starring Theo James (Mr. Pamuk from Downton Abbey! SQUEEEE!).
10:00 SYFY ROBOT COMBAT LEAGUE
Debut! Robots rip each other's heads off in this sensitive portrayal of life in Victorian England.