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The Poop, the Straight Poop and Nothing But the Poop

We're Number Three: University of Oregon Ducks



Jan. 10

We're Number Three: University of Oregon Ducks lose BCS National Championship to Auburn 22-19 on a last-second field goal, drop to third place in the polls behind Auburn and TCU. Just a little too much Cam Newton and Nick Fairley, not enough LaMichael James ... Class act: John Kitzhaber sworn in to unprecedented third term as governor of Oregon, opens inaugural address with the line: "So I guess none of you could get tickets to the game either" ... No-class act: Police called to break up a post-game brawl between Auburn and U of O fans outside downtown Bend sports bar ... "The Hammer" drops: Former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay of Texas, aka "The Hammer," gets three years in the hoosegow for political fundraising shenanigans.

Tuesday, Jan. 11

Meanwhile, back in Loonyland: Sales of Glock semi-automatic pistols, the gun used in last Saturday's massacre in Tucson, surge in Arizona ... Arizona Legislature changes state nickname from "the Grand Canyon State" to "the Gun-Toting Whacko State." Okay, I made that last bit up ... Not so golden: Ted Williams, the homeless man who became an Internet celebrity thanks to his "golden voice," detained by LA police following what was described as "an altercation with his daughter." Investigation continuing ... Don't stick that thing in me! St. Charles Medical Center admits using not-fully-sanitized colonoscopy probe on 18 patients. One is suing for $270,000 ... Still stuck in Bend: Judge denies request by Kevin and Tami Sawyer, under federal indictment for alleged $4.4 million real estate scam, to be allowed to visit their property in Mexico.

Wednesday, Jan. 12

Tea Party fun 'n' games: Several Republican Party officials in Arizona resign, saying they're afraid of Tea Party reprisals for not being right-wing enough. "I love the Republican Party, but I don't want to take a bullet for anyone," says one ... Meanwhile, Charles Turner Habermann of Palm Springs, CA is arrested for allegedly making death threats against Rep. Jim McDermott (D-WA), saying he'd hire somebody to put the liberal congressman "in the trash" ... Hot stuff: 2010 tied with 2005 as the warmest year on record, reports the National Climatic Data Center. It also was the wettest ... First Amendment? What's that? Prineville City Council says it will figure out a way to bring its controversial nativity scene back next year. One idea is to secularize it by including a Santa Claus figure. Seriously ... Silly season: Oregon Senate Minority Leader Ted Ferrioli (R-John Day) introduces bill to make the border collie the state dog. Seriously.

Thursday, Jan. 13

Second thoughts: Bend developer Stephen Trono, who survived being shot five times by his wife in July, puts up a website ( defending her and saying the shooting was an accident. But he says he now thinks it was a mistake to buy her a handgun ... Recession-proof: Lady Gaga expected to make more than $100 million this year, up from the paltry $64 million she made in 2010 ... And now, the astrological poop: Astrologers say movement of the planets has changed the signs of the zodiac and there is now a 13th sign called "Ophiuchus," which sounds like a nasty congenital disease ... Meanwhile in Sri Lanka, popular astrologer Chandrasiri Bandara is arrested after predicting President Mahinda Rajapaksa will soon be ousted ... Make that a double: House Speaker John Boehner, aka Mr. Tangerine Man, turns down invitation from President Obama to attend memorial service in Tucson in favor of a Washington cocktail party hosted by the Republican National Committee.

Friday, Jan. 14

Bikies to the barricades: Oregon Rep. Mitch Greenlick (D-Portland) proposes law forbidding adults to carry kids under six as passengers on a bike or in a bike trailer. Bicycling fanatics, especially in Portland, go completely apeshit ... Nutritional breakthrough: Indianapolis company issues voluntary recall of Toxic Waste® brand Nuclear Sludge® Chew Bars. The Pakistan-imported treats contain too much lead. Hmm, how much lead is okay in candy bars? ... Perfect timing: Less than a week after the Tucson massacre, Sarah Palin announces she'll speak at Safari Club International's convention in Nevada on Jan. 29 ... We'll miss you, Mike: Republican National Committee fires controversial chairman Michael Steele, replaces him with Reince Priebus, who is chairman of the Wisconsin GOP and whose name is even weirder than "Ophiuchus" ... Off to a shaky start: Mary Fallin, taking oath of office as governor of Oklahoma, experiences slip of the tongue and says she'll "support, obey and offend" the Constitution instead of "support, obey and defend." Spokesman blames mistake on cold weather.

Saturday, Jan. 15

We are not amused: Queen Elizabeth II, according to informed sources, is highly displeased with grandson Prince William's wedding plans. Among other things, HRH reportedly is irate that the bride, Kate Middleton, will ride to Westminster Abbey in a (shudder!) automobile instead of the traditional horse-drawn glass-enclosed coach. How teddibly common ... Too little and too late: Authorities at Frayser High School in Memphis, having discovered that 90 of its 800 students currently are pregnant, decide to launch an information campaign to discourage teen pregnancy ... (Tea) Party manners: Paul LePage, new Tea Party-backed governor of Maine, declines invitation from the NAACP to attend an event honoring Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., says if NAACP doesn't like it they can "kiss my butt."

Sunday, Jan. 16

Still crazy in Arizona: J. Eric Fuller, who was wounded during the Tucson massacre a week ago, arrested for making death threat against a Tea Party spokesman ... Teresa Scanlan, 17, of Nebraska, crowned Miss America on Saturday, opposes WikiLeaks, saying "when it comes to the security of our nation, we have to focus on security first and then people's right to know" ... Tell us something we didn't know: Ron Reagan, son of the late president, says in his new memoir that he believes his dad had Alzheimer's while he was still president and that his trickle-down tax cuts really were "voodoo economics."

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