The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from the land of monsters and mythology, chillin' with Goliath and Paul Bunyan - "On Giants: or, Why We Want To Be small" - on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
"The Majority of Americans"
About Those Wars
While we were exchanging hearts full of candy and fake promises of fidelity, our troops were avoiding sniper fire and IEDs in the Helmand province of Afghanistan. Operation Mushtarak ("Together") is underway as our "surge" of 15,000 US, NATO, and Afghan troops sweeps this Taliban stronghold, with Afghan Colonel Shirin Shah reporting, "So far we have cleaned 30 to 35 villages." Expected to last up to one month, intense battles in the city of Marjah have killed at least two US troops and over 30 Taliban; as of press time there is no word on when the cleaning campaign will include Afghan President Hamid Karzai and his corrupt administration.
Olympics, Willy and Wood(s)
Despite rain, sludge, protestors and the death of a Georgian luge slider, the Olympics in Vancouver are underway, with the US leading the world (as usual) with eight medals so far. In order to better compete in porn, former President Clinton got two implants - Kidding! Actually, Slick Willy had his second heart procedure in five years after experiencing chest pains last Friday, getting two stents to open a clogged artery, telling the press, "I feel great... I even did a couple miles on the treadmill today." Speaking of sports and PR, Tiger Woods was allegedly making hush money payments for three years to silence two girls and keep secret a tape of their ménage a trois - At least 14 women are tied to this former American hero-athlete (albeit by golfing). Recently out of a clinic to treat his sexual addiction, Woods may play in The Masters (a golf event, not a BDSM video) yet his wife may be a bigger challenge, according to a friend, "The marriage is not good. She barely interacts with him."
When Haiti needed our help, we all knew this would happen, didn't we? Charity scams and Americans grabbing orphans like Madonna on an African safari. Oops! Some still had parents and, strangely, those 10 fine Idaho Christians arrested in Haiti for running for the border with dozens of non-orphans are still sitting in prison. Their translator has told investigators how they misled Haitians about their intentions ("A better life in America... " was the promise to parents before grabbing their kids and declaring them "orphans") and, now, their legal advisor, Jorge Torres Puello, is facing allegations of human trafficking in El Salvador and human smuggling charges in the United States. Good to hear he has expertise while giving legal advice.
Female Drivers and McHuggin
You know our infrastructure is falling apart when the most famous 2½ miles of asphalt in America needs work - The Daytona 500 (a NASCAR mention, don't be hatin') was delayed due to a giant pothole appearing on the track; somebody named McMurray won, while a woman named Danica didn't even finish her debut in the Nationwide Series. More successful was Jeff Ondash's attempt to set a world record in Las Vegas by hugging the most people in 24 hours - 7,777 people were squeezed by Ondash, who wore the costume of his alter ego, Teddy McHuggin, while also setting a new world record for the most complaints of creepiness and restraining orders filed on a single day.