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This Means War!


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Now hold on just a second there, Mr. Tom Brokaw (noted former anchorman and author of the best-selling book The Greatest Generation)! If you ask me, I think it's bullpoopy of you to single-handedly decide that the people who fought in World War II are going to be forever known as "the greatest generation." I mean, C'MON. My generation is pretty awesome, too! After all, we're the generation that invented Internet porn. And the Transformers. And decent marijuana. In case you didn't know, the so-called "greatest generation's" dope SUCKED. (Don't believe me? Ask my grandpa and his cataracts!)

In fact, I would wager that if this much-ballyhooed "greatest generation" hadn't lived and fought through World War II, they'd probably be remembered as the "took-naps-and-popularized-the-hamburger generation." Seriously, guys! Besides the war, these people didn't accomplish anything other than waiting around for their future grandchildren to produce some halfway decent pot!

Besides! "The greatest generation" is a horrible name. What if a generation comes along that not only defeats an intergalactic dictator who vanquished 45 solar systems, but also somehow manages to improve upon Internet porn? "Oops! Sorry, whippersnappers!" our grandparents would say. "While your accomplishments may be the cat's pajamas, we're the 'greatest generation' - and since there can't be TWO 'greatest generations', I guess we're gonna have to call you the 'not-good-enough-to-be-called-the-greatest-generation generation.' Now go roll Great-Great-Grandpa a spleef."

If you ask me, a good name for these guys would be "they're-lucky-Adolf-Hitler-came-along generation." OH! Waitasecond... I just accidentally made a GREAT POINT!! So if Adolf Hitler was living during the same time as our grandparents, wouldn't that make HIM a member of the "greatest generation," too? HMMM? Is that what you're saying, Tom Brokaw? That Adolf Hitler was one of "the greatest," you Nazi lover? HA! This just in, Tom Browkaw: You got BURRRRNED.

(Dude, did you just see how I burned Tom Brokaw? That should make me an honorary member of the "greatest generation," right there.)

ANYWAY. I'm right, and Tom Brokaw's wrong. HOWEVER! This is not to say that I don't appreciate my semi-stoned grandpappy and his pals kicking the crap out of those goose-stepping Aryan rat bastard Nazis. I must admit it would be pretty awkward for me to write these types of columns while under the dictatorial rule of Krauts and Tojo's minions - which is why I'm going to strongly encourage you to watch the new HBO miniseries debuting this Sunday, March 14, at 9 pm entitled The Pacific. Though somewhat similar to HBO's other wartime miniseries Band of Brothers (which depicted the US Army's action-packed skirmishes in Europe), The Pacific will focus on the Marines who went head to head with the Japanese in the Pacific Theater, featuring such horrific battles as Guadalcanal, Okinawa, and the Battle of Iwo Jima. Like Band of Brothers, expect The Pacific to be riveting, bloody, and wholly excellent.

So BOO on you, Tom Browkaw, for not coming up with a better name for my grandpappy's generation (like maybe "the Nazi Stompers"), and YAY on you Grandpappy, for fighting to protect my continued freedom to pen asinine TV columns. I'll roll you a spleef.


thursday 11

9:00 NBC THE OFFICE Michael's attempts to impress the CEO of Sabre are foiled, because... well, he's dumb.

9:30 NBC 30 ROCK Liz finally meets "Mr. Right" - unfortunately it's in the dentist's office where bloody drool drips down her chin.

friday 12

9:00 SYFY CAPRICA Zoe's plans to escape her dad hits a bump in the road labeled "romance."

9:00 HBO THE RICKY GERVAIS SHOW Karl visits the spa and a zookeeper's marriage to a chimp in "Monkey News"!

saturday 13

11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE Host: Jude Law. Musical guests: Pearl Jam. (It's like my 40-year-old sister's wet dream!)

sunday 14

9:00 HBO THE PACIFIC Debut! The battle picks up right after Pearl Harbor, and goes straight into Guadalcanal.

9:30 FOX SONS OF TUCSON Debut! A potentially very funny new sitcom starring the actually very funny Tyler Labine (Sock from Reaper).

monday 15

10:00 VH1 THE PRICE OF BEAUTY Debut! Host Jessica Simpson explores the culture of beauty in different societies, and yes, she's still dumb as a box of hammers.

tuesday 16

9:00 ABC LOST This episode's all about alternate-reality Sawyer, who I'm sure will be less sexy.

10:00 FX JUSTIFIED Debut! Deadwood's Timothy Olyphant stars as a Kentucky marshal in this bloody new series from Elmore Leonard.

wednesday 17

10:30 COM UGLY AMERICANS Debut! In this new cartoon, an immigration officer deals with newly arrived monsters, and his zombie roommate.

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