This one's for the ladies
Editor's Note: This week we intended to debut our new Smoke Signals writer, Josh Jardine, who brings a humorous and informative take on the cannabis industry in Oregon and beyond. This week though, partly in homage to the Women's Marches taking place nationwide, his GF is sitting in. Party on, you nasty woman!
Hello, reader! It's me, Josh's girlfriend. He got the week off, because this column is about a product that's Just For Ladies. Dudes/non-binary folks, you can read, too, but make sure you're wearing pink and getting high.
One of the many benefits of dating a weed columnist is living in a house full of the marketing materials and samples companies send Josh to review. Still, I sometimes find myself thinking, "Why aren't any of these products made specifically for ME, a woman, for my specific, woman-related needs?" So I was thrilled when Josh got a big, pink envelope from W!NK, a brand "designed by women for women." I'm actually not even sure how they expected him to review it, what with being a man and all, so it was lucky that I was ready to jump in.
Officially, W!NK is selling two vape pens and a line of cartridges. But what they're really selling is their brand, which is all about the things that we women need and love. The great thing about "women" as a meaningful category is that what's good for one female-identified and/or lady-part-havin' gal is good for all of us. W!NK hit that carefully manicured nail on its freshly styled head. I was particularly delighted that the W!NK Signature Pen is "reminiscent of high-end mascara wands and is designed to fit effortlessly into a make-up bag or small handbag." Have you ever heard of a woman who doesn't love high end-mascara or small handbags? I only earn 70 cents on the dollar compared to men, but I wouldn't dream of buying low-end mascara, right ladies?! My only concern is that the W!NK Signature Pen won't fit in my small handbag. I already have tampons, lipstick, diet pills, and pink pepper spray for when I get groped on the bus (someday I'll learn to stop asking for it!).
W!NK also has a (patented) line of lady-enticing flavor cartridges, Terpessence. This not-gross-sounding name, which is not a word for vomit or flaccid penis, has lots of fun flavors that are tailored directly to my needs, as a woman. They didn't actually send any of these cartridges, but I know that I would love anything with a creative name like Appledream(™) or Tangibright(™). I'm definitely excited to try Bubblewish(™), which appeals to my naturally child-like sense of wonder. If Josh gives me permission, and some money, I'll be excited to try it out!
I can't tell you how many times I have walked my lady-self out of a dispensary empty-handed because they only had ugly, masculine vape pens with sports on them, or yucky cartridges that don't taste like fruit or good feelings. I'm so glad my days of gender-neutral cannabis products are finally behind me. Best of all, W!NK products are, "low in potency," which provides me, as a woman, with a "safe and desirable cannabis experience." Because all women are naturally small in size, weak and fragile, this is exactly what we are all looking for. I am a little concerned that a man might accidentally try using this pen, since this wouldn't be something that ANY man would want, but men are probably smart enough to figure that sort of thing out. I know I, as a woman, wouldn't have been able to get a lower dose—let alone get it into my delicate woman body! —without buying a product designed just for me.
W!NK's spokespersonwoman notes that, "The cannabis industry has not provided an experience to serve the female audience," and that "women care and women deserve a premium cannabis experience." I guess they just took a look around, saw the rampant sexism in the cannabis industry and thought, "That's bad, and also we could make money from it." I'm excited for their 2018 model which doubles as a rape whistle, is 30 percent less expensive and provides free daycare.
It's a great time to be a woman.