Bob Dylan Christmas in The Heart
First off, Bob Dylan is great, OK? He's one of the best songwriters of all time. It's just that when he chose to do a Christmas album, someone, anyone, should have said NO. The last thing people want when trying to get into the Christmas spirit is their Grandpa—who smokes 10 packs a day—singing a bunch of Christmas standards in the living room. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if Dylan's voice weren't paired with the soft angelic voices of his back-up singers. All that did was create a stark contrast between what works and what doesn't when it comes to Christmas music.
David Hasselhoff The Night Before Christmas
Christmas is a time of celebrating your blessings and thinking of those in need. It is not for getting the crap scared out of you by a freakishly serial-killer-like rendition of "Twas the Night Before Christmas." Yet that is just what The Hoff delivers on the opening track of his epically bad holiday album. If Hasselhoff's singing career were as big in The States as it is in parts of Europe, I would personally lobby President Obama and Congress to outlaw the holiday simply to prevent this garbage from being played ever again.
Keith Sweat A Christmas of Love
Keith Sweat isn't kidding when he claims his Christmas will be one of love. This guy is a creeper. First off, Santa Claus is supposed to bring presents, not be the present. Yet Sweat feels the need to pervert the wholesome image of Kris Kringle by saying he wants to be his woman's Santa Claus and that she should unwrap him. What a gentleman. His idea of a meaningful gift is his own, likely STD-riddled, body. From there the album transitions into "Party Christmas," a song as bad as its title. But Sweat isn't done until he has defiled every single symbol of Christmas. He finishes his album with a song called "Under the Christmas Tree." Use your imagination to figure out how this one ends.