The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from a gray, rainy place known as Portland where boys wear tight pants and girls very little, wondering why booze is so much cheaper here than in Bend, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and the Source Weekly.
The Bureau of Butt
A lawyer will head up the stoner coven of swinging inbreds formerly known as the Minerals Management Service, now the Bureau of Ocean Energy Management and Other Conflicts of Interest. Michael Bromwich is the sorry reformer selected, a former assistant U.S. attorney general (remember all of those public servants politically fired during Bush-Cheney by Karl Rove without a blink?) and Justice Department inspector general who decreed, "We will move quickly and responsibly on our reforms." Inexplicably, Bromwich then added, "Turn on YouPorn! And where's my ho's and blow? Petty cash please!" How we jest but, really, this underscores how the Obama admin reforms, invents agencies, and wants to further distance itself from BP, the largest "energy supplier" to our military with six contracts worth $2.1 billion. BP reports spending that much on half-assed fixes and cleanup, including $104 million in claims to residents, and just announced it is suspending dividend payouts to shareholders through 2010. Industry-wide, up to 22,000 workers have been idled since the government temporarily banned new offshore drilling last month only to have U.S. District Judge Martin Feldman overturn the moratorium on Tuesday.
Just dream what a gallon would cost if all that sweet Gulf crude were available instead of destroying the delta. Now guess what it will soon cost total, given less supply, more government overhead, new business cards, thousands of unemployment claims, bankruptcies, lawyer fees, tears and Costners.
Our Liberation Consternation
Live from where Genghis Khan and Alexander the Great wouldn't go: Afghanistan (our longest war) will soon have more casualties (over 1,000 Americans dead already) including the career of General Stanley McChrystal, the top commander who was caught criticizing the Commander in Chief in a forthcoming Rolling Stone article. Saying Obama appeared "uncomfortable and intimidated" during their first meeting (a "10-minute photo op" according to the general), McChrystal and his aids then mocked VP Biden, saying "Who's that? Did you say: Bite Me?" Unimpressed with the comments, the White House summoned McChrystal to the oval office for immediate meetings, full of civilians that he despises. In related news: Britain's Afghanistan envoy has quit, with Sir Sherard Cowper-Coles going on "extended leave" as the country's death toll hit 300.
"Guilty 100 Times"
In a trial that should have happened in Texas due to the state's penchant for putting retarded people to death, moron and Times Square non-bombing suspect, Faisal Shahzad, pled guilty to the worst planned crime since the Iraq invasion. Wearing a skullcap with a propeller and carrying a sippy-cup into federal court to face 10 counts, Pakistani-American Shahzad blathered, "I want to plead guilty 100 times because unless the United States pulls out of Afghanistan and Iraq, until they stop drone strikes in Somalia, Pakistan and Yemen and stop attacking Muslim lands, we will attack the United States and be out to get them."
Hearing this, Obama said he'd immediately do just that. He then laughed and launched death from above, killing untold people who live and die based on a book. And, no, this attack wasn't in Utah - yet.
Seriously, I saw these little pill-like anal gizmos in Boulder, CO, at one of the city's myriad "medical" marijuana dispensaries. A friend got her med-weed card for asthma (really?) while another needed his for chronic life syndrome (needing weed to keep his mind off of work, the girlfriend, reality). Anyway, the UK has just approved the first drug made from natural cannabis. Sativex helps multiple sclerosis patients suffering from loss of mobility and painful spasms (i.e. real issues, not simply stoners), and the drug is sprayed into the mouth daily. Early tests showed no long-term dependency or tolerance, and its maker (as if any company can claim to have "made" marijuana) Bayer Schering Pharma, offers Sativex for a little more than a dimebag per day. In the fascist U.S., only Marinol is available, which is made from synthetic THC. Speaking of THC, my man passed me something called "train wreck" the other night and I ended up needing a heavy dose of Reese's peanut butter cups and two kosher dill pickles to bring me down. Just say no, kiddies, best to go for a jog and get that natural high.
Brief News To Soothe
That evil monster known as water continues to spread around and ravage the world, with flooding in the past two days in Brazil killing 40 and leaving 100,000 homeless; flooding in China has killed up to 200.
May sales of previously occupied homes fell 2.2 percent, shocking all of the analysts who haven't lost their jobs and can afford their mortgages.
South Africa became the first World Cup host to get booted in the first round; the U.S. needs a win, and Spain, Ghana and the Netherlands look like the best bunch of guys not in gay porn to play with balls.
The death of Slipknot bassist Paul Gray was ruled an overdose - surprising no one.
Speaking of musicians... How do you get one off your porch? Pay for the pizza.