The author is reporting from a couch, awaiting pie.As large fowl are slaughtered like Iraqis and our individual rights under the last Republican leadership, then devoured like Obama's credibility for daring to clean-up their mess, let's take a look at the ugly stuffing that makes this week so tasty.
Leading the sleaze is sociopath Sarah "MENSA" Palin, $8 million richer after touring Alaska and still squawking about the terrible economy, then suing to have snippets of her next book (because her coloring book left so many questions unanswered) removed from Gawker.com. America by Heart is the title (seriously) with the following excerpt from our modern-day Whitman: "We have to know what makes America exceptional today more than ever because it is under assault today more than ever." More than ever, you'd think there would be an editor available.
You'd also think the 1st Amendment's declaration of freedom of speech and the press, as well as separation of Church and State make America "exceptional" - not in Palin's perverse world. To the contrary, she criticizes JFK for somehow making religion "irrelevant to the kind of country we are," then praises the movies Juno and Knocked Up. Can you connect the unintended bumps - err, dots, Bristol? Snowmobile racing season is starting so Todd can escape from his wife, yet Democrats should encourage Palin's delusions: Polls consistently show Obama beating Palin by 10 percent in 2012 so "Run, baby, RUN!"
Has it been 15 minutes already? Looks to be the case for Pastor Cedric "Swinger" Miller of Neptune, New Jersey, who gained brief fame last week for telling church leaders "to quit Facebook or resign" because of its temptations and affect on marriages. Now the Asbury Park Press reports that Pastor Miller had a three-way with a church worker 10 years ago (long before Facebook was available) and now he must resign.
Much like Pope Benedict maybe, just maybe, endorsing the use of condoms to stem the spread of HIV and other diseases. Flashback to 2009, when God's voice on Earth said, "You can't resolve it with the distribution of condoms. On the contrary, it increases the problem." Confused yet? So are Vatican officials rushing to stop the spread of the Pope's reversal and offering confounding corrections: The Pope may have said condoms are OK for prostitutes to use, but His Holiness only mentioned male prostitutes. Yep, the Catholic Church still bans condoms and other contraceptives to prevent pregnancy, but now endorses male prostitutes (insert priest and altar boy joke here) using them.
Also left wondering were unemployed Americans, after the House failed to pass an extension of jobless benefits when Republicans demanded offsets to the $5 billion cost. Americans need jobs, as proved in Mount Vernon, Ohio, this weekend. The dismembered remains of a mother, her son and a friend were found in a hollow tree, and the daughter of the deceased mother was found in a basement, gagged but alive. Matthew Hoffman is the sole suspect and may be guilty: He's an unemployed tree cutter.
Speaking of the indefensible, Republicans are also refusing to vote on a new nuclear arms treaty with Russia. If you don't know, America accounts for around 65 percent of all military spending worldwide, costing us over $700 billion annually ($2,333 per American). Al Qaeda destroyed us with a few box cutters and is now paralyzing our economy with printer cartridges and the Postal Service. China, our latest enemy after the Soviets went bust trying to outspend Reagan on arms, accounts for a little over 6% of military spending worldwide.
However bankrupt, we will need every bullet and bomb, as psychotic Dear Leader Kim Jung "Very" Il is armed with thousands more centrifuges enriching uranium than previously thought. Lump our "intelligence" agencies and China in with this orgy of incompetence, as Kim has elevated his son (known only as Mongo) to be the next leader of this impoverished and brainwashed nation, and exchanged fire with South Korea on Monday, killing two.
As of press time: Natalie Holloway is still dead and Cambodians celebrated the end of the rainy season by trampling 345 to death; Brett Favre fired his coach for not replacing him as the Vikings starting QB, and my Buffalo Bills lost their #1 draft pick by accidentally winning two games.
After all of those turkeys, let's close with someone with a little class. Norris Church Mailer, widow of writer Norman Mailer, died on Sunday at age 61 after a long illness. She grew up in abject poverty in Arkansas, was hit-on by Governor Clinton, then courted by the much older author after meeting at a book signing. Joining him in the heights of literary Brooklyn, Norris hid a novel from Norman until ready for publication, earned her own literary lauds, and thankfully finished her memoir "A Ticket to the Circus" for release this year. Mother to two sons and step-mom to many Mailers, Norris was also a friend: A rare mix of beauty and brains, grace and grit, her stories and smile are very much missed.