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Screen » Film

Twilight Star Bright

Braving the phenomenon

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Thank God it's over. No more taking off of shirts. No more glittering. No more teen fans swooning over vampires. No more having to go see any more Twilight movies with my wife, who turns 12-years-old (okay maybe 15) when she sees them. For the sheer joy of it, let's just relive what we're leaving behind as soon as the last theater door shuts on this terrible, terrible saga.

Twilight

Alright, film number one was okay. It was a decent enough independent movie featuring a nice little love story. Bella and Edward fall in love. He's a vegetarian vampire and she's a cute dork. What an endearing quirky pair. It was actually a movie unto itself, no need for anything else. Unfortunately, Hollywood did not agree.

New Moon

This is where things took a stupid and soap oper-ish turn. Also Taylor Lautner, who can't act his way out of a Teen Beat pinup, gets to take off his shirt for the first of many, many times. Too many times, in fact. This film was so poorly paced and filled with clichés I felt like I had lost my balance when walking out of the theater. The love triangle goes turbo and evil is lurking all around. But all it's really about is whether Bella and Edward are going to do it or whether she will fall for shirtless Jacob. Most fun thing was keeping track of how many times she pensively bites her freaking lip.

Eclipse

This one was directed by the same guy who gave us the vampire flick 30 Days of Night and was supposed to have a big bloody battle between the werewolves and vampires, yet it was so PG-13 it hurt. The tepid tension heats up as vamps and weres get all mad at each other and Bella can't make up her goddamned mind who to get busy with. It's still between the were-hunk and the sullen vamp-boy. One is a broody, glittering, James Dean wannabe and the other is a shirtless, pug-nosed, Abercrombie and Fitch model. This was one rough sit.

Breaking Dawn: Part One

I put the brakes on for this one because I knew there was going to be a wedding involved, probably taking up most of the movie. Turned out I was right. Even my wife concurred that I didn't need to see the theater version. Not a good sign. If the disciples start hightailing it from the flock, there has to be trouble. I watched it on video and I must've gotten up 17 times in the first half hour to raid the refrigerator, grimace in pain and chant, "What the hell?"

This brings me to the dreaded Breaking Dawn: Part 2

I will see it. I will grovel. I will squirm. I will curse repeatedly under my breath, but at least it's kind of like going to the dentist or the proctologist—the worst will soon be over. I can say I saw them all. I don't wear this as a merit badge. Instead, it's the final piece of ammunition I need to argue down anyone as to why these movies really, really and truly sucked.

But sadly

Breaking Dawn: Part 2 brought in an estimated $30.4 million in evening and midnight runs, making it the third-highest grossing overnight opening of all time. Stephanie Meyers has written another love triangle book turned movie called The Host slated for release soon, and says she hasn't ruled out more Twilight books. Good Lord, is there no hope?

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