The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from Black Butte, urinating on ashes, trying to make a puddle that resembles Jacko, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
Hell Is Getting Crowded
In yet another sign that Satan will have to expand Hades soon, Robert McNamara died on Monday at age 93. The "whiz kid" who JFK invited to destroy a generation of Americans, McNamara oversaw the Vietnam War for both JFK and LBJ, later writing in his autobiography that it was all a mistake. Thanks, Bob. Oh, it gets better - McNamara's resume is guaranteed to impress Beelzebub: Analyzing the efficiency of U.S. firebombing missions in World War II (for which McNamara received rank of Lieutenant Colonel); afterward he joined Ford (his sole qualification being that he read an article on the company in Life magazine - no lie) where he killed the Edsel, tried to terminate the Lincoln line, and championed the forgettable Ford Falcon sedan. As Secretary of Defense from 1961-1968, McNamara increased our "limited warfare" capabilities by drafting teenagers to defend a country they didn't know anything about, under the guise of preventing "the steady erosion of the Free World through limited wars." Seriously, if you want to both understand and be fully baffled by this man, rent "The Fog of War." Dick Cheney may attend McNamara's funeral; if not, no one will.
"I am not a quitter. I am a fighter." said Governor of Alaska Sarah Palin, adding another "former" to her long list of titles (VP runner-up, Beauty Queen, Hope for the GOP, et al). Palin is struggling to explain why she is resigning as Alaska's Governor with a year and a half left in her term. Who will run Alaska now? Umm, BP and Exxon-Mobil, most likely, as they have for decades. Seriously, governing a state that pays people to live there ain't hard, but Palin obviously has Presidential ambitions. After leaving office in July (which she did say was to spare Alaskans the ongoing ethics investigations against her) Palin will shoot a moose, have hot sex with Todd on an idling snowmachine then call other former Presidential hopefuls for advice, including David Duke, Ron Paul, and South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, if he isn't too busy visiting his mistress in Argentina.
In what appears more like a murder-suicide with the release of each new detail, NFL quarterback Steve McNair has taught all professional athletes not to have affairs with young girls with new guns. Sahel Kazemi, 20, bought a semiautomatic pistol (though she wasn't old enough for a permit to carry a handgun) two days before she and McNair, 36, were found dead in her apartment - Two shots to his head, another two to his chest, and one to her head - with the weapon beneath her body. Even more evidence of why the right to bear arms is awesome: Kazemi bought the gun hours after being pulled over by police in the Cadillac Escalade that McNair bought for her and given a field sobriety test - citing a "hookah situation" as the reason for her being "high." Having played 13 seasons in the NFL and leading the Tennessee Titans to a Super Bowl loss in 2000, McNair will be a unanimous selection to the NFL Hall of Fame because, well, um, he had bad ankles and a way with women. One last note: The late quarterback was a married father of four.
More Cory Feldman!
A snapshot of how Michael Jackson's death - thus, CNN's - has affected America, the following "stories" appeared on CNN.com on Tuesday (followed by my most immediate and personal responses) the day of his memorial: "Jackson memorial crowd may rival '84 Olympics" (really??); "How are you honoring MJ today" (um, I popped a pill to forget my childhood); "Places to go to honor Michael Jackson" (Chuck E. Cheese, anyone?); "Web braces for Michael Jackson onslaught" (and illegal downloads of "Beat It"); "Obama pays his respects to MJ" (thanks, Barack, now get back to work!).
What Would the 4th Be Without Carnage?
Underscoring America's status as the most violent nation since Sparta, our Independence Day offers enough noise and adrenaline to make any peacenik masturbate. In North Carolina's Outer Banks, however, the fireworks started a little too early when a truck carrying Screaming O's and Blistering Balls for Ocracoke Island's evening display exploded. One person died on the scene and another at the hospital, with a witness offering the obvious, "I saw all these fireworks blowing up."
Department of Corrections
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Cowardly Tree Killers
You don't have to be an environmental activist or card-carrying member of Greenpeace to be offended at the recent destruction of trees at McKay and Drake parks. Upfront has plenty of first hand knowledge of the length that kids will go to entertain themselves during the summer, but destroying trees in your local park is akin to going on a puppy kicking spree. Several of the relatively mature trees were stripped entirely of bark and will perish. Nice work. Next time you cowards want to wreak destruction, we'd recommend you start in an even more ironic place. How about your bedroom? Maybe put a foot through your Xbox 360? Or try hitting your $200 smart phone with a hammer? Now that's hardcore. Meantime keep your hands off our trees.