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Wanted: One Sidekick

I’m through using Craigslist, you guys! However, I’ll admit that Craigslist works just fine if you’re trying to sell a lawnmower but secretly want to be sodomized and hacked apart by an escaped serial killer.



I'm through using Craigslist, you guys! However, I'll admit that Craigslist works just fine if you're trying to sell a lawnmower but secretly want to be sodomized and hacked apart by an escaped serial killer. I'm sorry to break the news, but people on Craigslist are just too freaky!

For example: As you've probably heard, I'm in the market for a sidekick. You know, a little buddy who will dress somewhat like me who I can mentor and share action-packed adventures with. Yet when I advertised my intentions on Craigslist, the only responses I received were from nude massage therapists, Viagra peddlers, and a 54-year-old florist named Dave who wondered if his sidekick uniform could be constructed solely out of human skin. (I told him I'd get back to him... though I'm not. His human-skin outfit is way too similar to my fruit roll-up suit.)

That's why I've decided to advertise for a sidekick through this column! (True, while I Television™ readers tend to be crazy, they're not "holding someone prisoner in the bottom of a well for three months" crazy.) Could YOU be the sidekick for ME? Let's find out.

My perfect sidekick will be a male or female, age 18 to 28. (Sorry for the age discrimination, but if you're too old, you won't be able to keep up - and if you're too young, I may wind up on To Catch a Predator. Besides, we may want to have sex at some point.) You must be willing to be mentored and/or be comfortable with being introduced to others as my "youthful ward." Must be physically able to fight crime and partake in generalized adventuring. Tights are required!

Now, if you need further tips on what constitutes a decent sidekick, you should definitely tune in to Young Justice (debuting Fri Nov 26, 7 pm, Cartoon Network). It's a new animated series featuring the sidekicks of DC Comics' most famous superheroes - who, in this incarnation, are SO famous they can barely get their jobs done! That's why Superman, Batman, and the rest of the Justice League enlist their sidekicks - including Robin, Kid Flash, Aqualad, Superboy, Miss Martian, and others - into becoming a covert operations team whose mission is to get the skinny on what those nasty supervillains are up to.

Naturally, these sidekicks are mostly teenagers who are fed up with being told what to do by their stick-up-the-ass mentors - which makes this show also about making the transition from mopey teens into superpowered adulthood. It's kind of like Mission: Impossible... except with tights, pimples, and the occasional unwanted boner.

And THAT is another great reason why I'm not interested in a younger teenage sidekick. People already look at me "askance" (for reasons that should be obvious), and the last thing I need while on an adventure is some mumbling 15-year-old with a stupid Justin Bieber hairdo complaining how I won't let him use his iPod or Twitter machine and refusing to fight crime or do anything about his random boners!

Though I suppose that would be preferable to being hacked to pieces by Dave the florist.

Did I mention tights are required? Good. steve@portlandmercury.com

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