The author has been sent on the road to discover a lost country formerly known as America. He is reporting from a party, surrounded by murderers and ghosts, Palins and Obamas, wondering if it's already 2012 or only Halloween, on assignment for Or-Bust.com and The Source Weekly.
SWINE!In case you haven't heard, don't go looking for any H1N1 vaccines because they grow it in eggs. Yep, that's right, protection from the "swine flu" is created in chicken eggs - Our nightmares of mutant Wilbur-Henny-Pennys will soon be reality. This shouldn't be a headline, nor should any flu be declared a national emergency (surely another of Obama's Muslim-Socialist attempts to control our lives and take away our guns) with winter approaching. Relax, wash your hands often, and watch "28 Days Later."
NEWSFLASH: Giant Men Smashing Into Each Other Hurts Heads
The NFL is so eager to prove that its players (current and former) won't face increased risks of dementia and death that its own study - written to say, "Hey, it's all good!" - actually proved the opposite. Using suspect medical studies, and mistakenly citing the wrong column of official scientific data, the NFL has a major headache on its hands: Former players are experiencing dementia at rates four to five times more than normal. "Surely there's something about getting hit," defended Dan Rooney, owner of the Pittsburgh Steelers, "But they don't get hit as much as maybe some people are trying to say." Right on, Dan, go shine your Super Bowl trophies with the souls of our heroes! These aren't millionaire superstars but, rather, retired guys from the early AFC and NFL who were paid in jockstraps and Gatorade, so the NFL is fighting having to pay for their continued health care. The league has paid $6 million to 106 former members - which is less than what Terrell Owens will earn this year to destroy my beloved Buffalo Bills. For further proof, just try to listen to Terry Bradshaw talk game-time strategy.
Is FoxNews really a news network? Hmmm, Glenn Beck sure is an emotional fellow for a reporter. And Hannity, well, I have an uncle like him, who we'll soon have to tolerate at Thanksgiving, giving thanks to our cousins Jack Daniels and Jim Beam for numbing his inane rants, "Yep, Uncle Dick, Obama sure is ruining this country. Please tell your wife to stop stroking my thigh... " Well, the White House recently rebuked Rupert Murdoch's network, with Obama not appearing during his regular Sunday camera love-fests, refusing invites on junkets, and rarely calling on their snipers - err, reporters. "Fox News often operates almost as either the research arm or the communications arm of the Republican Party," explained White House Communications Director, Anita Dunn, "Let's not pretend [Fox is] a news organization like CNN is."
A Curious Paradox
The same week the Obama Admin told US Attorneys to back-off medical marijuana users, a narc-net was sprung in dozens of states to arrest those evil Mexican drug-runners who are ruining business for legitimate American drug-dealers Pfizer and Purdue Pharma (proud maker of OxyContin). Hundreds were arrested and millions of dollars in weed, crystal meth and coke were seized. Humorous is a picture of Mexican authorities arresting six - yes, six total - drug "lords" in their own country. Equally humorous are the values of drugs: A dime-bag is now worth five million dollars, according to the DEA, which is trying to justify its $5 billion-plus annual war on drugs, drugs that ill Americans need, and all the cool kids can't live without.
Other Stuff that
May Make You Sick
Goldman Sachs reported a quarterly profit of $3 billion on $12 billion in revenue, and has $160 billion in cash or equivalents on its balance sheet - Yep, they sure did need a bailout months ago. Mayumi Heene, mother of "balloon boy" Falcon, admitted that the stunt was all a hoax to make her fame-seeking husband more marketable for TV reality shows. And, finally, former Homeland Security nominee, Bernard Kerik, was sent to jail by a judge who simply couldn't look at Bush and Giuliani's favorite police chief another minute. Among the charges is faxing fake bills to cover up work done for free by a developer and, generally, being a total douche. "Way to go Bernie!" Super-interesting addendum: Google search "Kerik Bush" for images, and see how many of Dubya posing with Bernie have recently been removed.
Finally, Questioning Religion and "Personhood"
As reported here in June, the Church of Scientology is on trial for fraud in France, and not only for Tom Cruise's latest movies and John Travolta's increased creepiness. Stopping short of banning the "religion," France found the "church" guilty of fraud and fined the six members on trial $595,000 each. Scientology has 45,000 followers in France (and all of our celebrities in America), as the trial focused on "spiritual well-being" devices the organization uses, while forcing prospective members to buy vitamins and books. As a note: Scientology was founded by novelist L. Ron Hubbard, who spent his later years on a boat, because of tax evasion and death threats - "Dianetics" indeed.
Other "religion" related news: An initiative petition in Nevada is trying to define "personhood" - An attempt to amend the state constitution to define a person as "everyone possessing a human genome" - which abortion and civil rights activists are watching closely. While protecting the unborn, the measure would exempt prostitutes and obese tourists with gambling problems because, "What happens to genomes in Vegas, stays with personhoods in Vegas."