Am I on Steroids?
Guess what? You might be on steroids. Last week, it became known that David Ortiz tested positive for one (or more than one) of those pesky performance-enhancing drugs back in 2003. But Ortiz says that he has no clue how he could have possibly ingested or been injected with steroids and they must have somehow been in some supplement he was taking.
That's right, this man unknowingly took steroids, just like Barry Bonds, Manny Ramirez and several other ball players who've used the "I don't know how that got in my system" defense after testing positive. This gave me pause, thinking: Could I, too, be unknowingly juicing?
Although I rarely, if ever, allow trainers to rub unknown creams, a la Barry Bonds, on my legs and don't think my doctor has been prescribing me Manny levels of female hormones, I'm terrified of this steroid epidemic. From what these sluggers say, it sounds like steroids are pretty much everywhere, just waiting to sneak into your system. Those Flintstones vitamins you gave your kid this morning could easily be full of HGH and your Metamucil may very well have traces of androstenedione. Scary isn't it?
As far as I can tell, I'm not on steroids. For starters, I haven't hit a home run in, damn, probably eight years and my head and testicles seem to be of a normal and consistent size, but jeez, what if the 'roids just haven't kicked in yet? What if these steroids are particularly sneaky and malicious and I suddenly find myself playing baseball all the time and make a couple million bucks? Wowsa, this is starting to get terrifying.
But thankfully, there are people like Ortiz and Ramirez out there to let us know that Accidental and Sneaky Steroids (known more commonly as ASS) do exist. So excuse me, I just swallowed a handful of pills and now I seem to have an urge to bust out some squats. Oh no... it's happening.
Now that I'm quite possibly a drug addict or at least a drug user, albeit unknowingly, we should probably talk about Mr. Josh Hamilton, who isn't exactly having a super week either as photos surfaced of the inspirational slugger not only drinking, but also carousing with young women and acting more or less like a total D-bag.
Hamilton, as we all know, was the number-one overall draft pick out of high school, but soon became dead weight in the minor league system when he went all (Gary) Busey and was soon kicked from the team. But, like Busey, Hamilton got clean, with a little help from the big JC, of course, and although still heavily tattooed, made his way to the Big Leagues. Who could forget this Texas Ranger's performance at 2008's home run derby in which he raked, like, 97 homers in the first round alone?
But this winter, the burly feel good story of a man, according to the photographic evidence we inspected, wasn't blasting homers, but was rather partying up a storm and licking whipped cream from the chests of some adoring young ladies from the greater Tempe area (Go Sun Devils!). And you know what? Not a single one of those women was Hamilton's wife. Whoops. We tried to find whoever it was who took these photos and then kept them secret for more than half a year, but had no luck. Apparently the unnamed photographer is hanging out with the pansy who caught Michael Phelps hitting the bong.
Hamilton should use the Ortiz excuse here and say that he simply didn't know that this group of sexy, sexy women weren't his wife. And that booze he may have drank?"Was that alcohol? What? I didn't know I was drinking booze. I actually forgot what it tasted like, so I wouldn't even know if I had sipped some alcohol. Maybe someone rubbed it into my thighs without me knowing," he should say with a puppy dog smile at his press conference before asking if anyone would like to follow him out to the stadium where he can crank out a few upper-deckers.