Editor's Note: For the past five weeks we have received Upfront via email from Mick McMenaminuses. This week we received none. Suspecting another belligerent weekend as the reason, we went searching for our itinerate columnist - only to discover that Mick McMenaminuses is missing... His reporter's notebook was the only thing found, bristling in the breeze along Greenwood. Here are the stories he had compiled.
Africa Is Saved!
After a tainted election comparable to the 2000 runoff that allowed the Supreme Court to name George W. Bush president, Zimbabwe's President Robert Mugabe and opposition leader Morgan Tsvangirai have at last signed a deal to end the political crisis. Faced with inflation of over one million percent - by far the highest in the world - Zimbabwe under Mugabe has issues akin to Bend under its current city council. Tsvangirai was forced to find safety in the Dutch Embassy as his followers were arrested and murdered, and the new power-sharing deal (Mugabe at least agreeing to talk about sharing power, that is) intends "to chart a new way of political interaction." Upon signing the deal, AIDS was suddenly cured, Cecil Rhodes reincarnated and returned all of the treasure he stole from the continent, and white suburban kids decided to shave their dreads.
In a roll-call vote 251-166, Congress killed an impeachment inquiry into President George W. Bush. Interestingly, 166 Republicans voted against the resolution (thus, in favor of an inquiry) in order to force the public hearings during an election year in hopes of embarrassing Democratic leadership. Or, maybe, Republicans actually want to impeach Bush, like three-quarters of all Americans. Congressman and perennial presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich voted to kill his own resolution, which will surely undermine his credibility in Congress, exceeded only by his Lilliputian stature and nerdy-ness.
In addition to being a Muslim (with a Christian Reverend), possibly the Anti-Christ, and maybe an African-American Senator from Illinois, Barack Obama is now a member of the Taliban. Visiting Afghanistan and Iraq, Obama has redoubled his demand for a 16-month pullout of Iraq while adding 2-3 brigades in Afghanistan. Given the success of invading Iraq, the Taliban welcomed more American troops into Afghanistan, calling Obama "our great savoir." Throughout the visit, Iraq's Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki offered vague support for Obama's candidacy (but mostly support for finally getting the U.S. out of his country) while GOP presumptive nominee John McCain sniped at his opponent, saying Obama was endorsing retreat when victory "is almost in sight." Also almost in sight is Czechoslovakia - which hasn't existed for over two decades - but that hasn't stopped McCain from mentioning the former USSR satellite state twice in the past week. Mental fitness isn't an issue for McCain, though, as advisors defended his many gaffes by saying the Senator, who turns 72 this week, is merely a sentimental guy, full of nostalgia for the good old days of the Cold War.
Editor's Note: The above are the only full stories compiled by Mick McMenaminuses in his notebook for this week's issue. Below are other notes.
Members of Congress own at least $150,000,000 in military contractor stock.
Chimpanzees were recently seen using sticks as spears to fish and perform other tasks.
Nationwide, Oregon had the 3rd highest increase in bankruptcies last quarter - a 75% jump over the first quarter of 2008.
Goliath was actually only a tall man - between 6'-6'6 - according to the Dead Sea Scrolls. Revisions to the Bible have doubled his size over millennia. Meanwhile, David is still a boy with a stone, and God has very little humor.
Reached for a quote about his long-time friend, hack freelance reporter Brad Lockwood, who introduced Mick McMenaminuses to the Source, stifled tears and sniffled, "Mick was so depressed after Pilot Butte didn't burn on the 4th of July. That was his annual high-point, the fireworks and the brushfires that followed. I saw him last week and he was still depressed, talking crazy-talk about Mount Bachelor being a monopoly and TOBN (The Old Boy Network) intentionally ruining Bend so they can rebuild it for their heirs. Mick was a very sick man." Acting nervous, looking over his shoulder often, Lockwood then jumped on his classic cruiser bike. Before speeding away, Lockwood said rather sternly, "I suggest you forget about Mick McMenaminuses. The Old Boy Network doesn't exist, The Bulletin is an excellent newspaper, Mount Bachelor's ownership only has your best interests in mind... Oh, and Republicans are fiscal conservatives who embrace all Americans - black, white, gay, educated. Yes, you heard me, forget everything Mick said, he was a sick, sick, man."
Editor's Note: What follows are the final scribblings from Mick's notebook.
Some peoples' only currency is money.
Our Greatness Shall!
Department of Corrections
Due to an editing mistake, last week's story about the future of the Bend bus system contained an incorrect figure regarding funding cuts to Bend Area Transit. The city council cut roughly $300,000 from the system's budget this year. Also, the figure used for the Bend Transit Center included a portion of the public works operations center. The transit portion is $3.5 with $2.8 million in grant funding and the rest a local in-kind match. The Source, like, totally regrets these errors. Seriously.