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Your Fresh Straight Poop Hot Off the Presses

Scoop Lewis, Ace Reporter, reviews the past week's biggest news stories, both locally and nationally.



Monday, March 21

Out of the woods? Head of US Nuclear Regulatory Commission says Japanese are "on the verge of stabilizing" wayward reactor as power is restored to two of six units ... Fire from the left: Liberal US Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-OH) says President Obama's decision to intervene in Libya without congressional okay "would appear on its face to be an impeachable offense" ... Meanwhile Libyan rebels, helped by US and allied air strikes, advance against Muammar Qaddafi's forces, and Libya releases four New York Times journalists captured six days ago ... A break for the jobless: Gov. John Kitzhaber signs bill extending unemployment benefits up to 26 weeks ... Speaking of the jobless, sources report CBS thinking about giving Charlie Sheen his old $2 million-per-episode job on "Two and a Half Men" back.

Tuesday, March 22

Uh-oh, not again: Officials puzzled by big new oil slick spreading over Gulf of Mexico. Gunk's washing ashore over 30-mile-wide area ... Tamping down the flames: Fire breaks out in Egypt's Interior Ministry building; government blames policemen demonstrating for higher pay ... President Obama cuts Latin American trip short to come home and deal with Libya and other Mideast crises ... They'll drink to that: Lights back on at crippled Japanese nuke plant as workers continue trying to stabilize it. Elsewhere in Japan, looters hit a brewery in Sendai ... Loonies to the left of me, crazies to the right: Venezuelan President Caesar Chavez, in World Water Day speech, speculates that capitalism might have been to blame for destroying life on Mars ... Elsewhere in the solar system, US Sen. Rand Paul (R/Tea Party-KY) hints about run for president in 2012. It'd be kind of fun to have a president who wears a live gerbil on his head.

Wednesday, March 23

A legend passes: Elizabeth Taylor, symbol of Hollywood glamour for almost 70 years, dies at age 79 ... Playing dirty: Qaddafi's troops advance against rebels dug in at Misrati as loyalists reportedly shell hospital where wounded are treated ... There was an app for what?? Caving to pressure from LGBT community, Apple ditches iPhone app that promoted "curing" gay people and told gays they can be "freed from homosexuality" ... Tin-cupping: Right-wing agent provocateur James O'Keefe, whose selectively edited videos brought down two NPR execs, begs for $50,000 to underwrite his sting operations, blames the "multi-billion dollar major media Goliath" (NPR??) for criticizing him ... The White Male Mormon Oprah? Sources close to Glenn Beck (which is a place this reporter never wants to be) say he's considering leaving Faux Noise, starting own network.

Thursday, March 24

We'll believe it when we see it: Sarah Palin, appearing on Faux Noise, says she's "through whining about a liberal press" ... Meanwhile CNN reports US Rep. Michelle Bachmann (R/Tea Party-MN) will form committee to explore 2012 presidential run. Democrats dreaming of a Palin/Bachmann dream ticket ... Still waiting for WTF: Oxford English Dictionary adds OMG, LOL and the heart symbol to its new edition ... Luck of the Polish: Irving Przyborski of Chicago, rummaging through his tax records, finds year-old lottery ticket worth $9 million. Ticket would have expired in nine days ... Who knew Mormons were so much fun? "The Book of Mormon," Broadway musical by "South Park" creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker, opens to critical raves. Review from Church of Latter-Day Saints not in yet ... Kiss and make up: Deschutes County DA Patrick Flaherty drops prosecution of county counsel Mark Pilliod over release of public records. Now what was that all about again?

Friday, March 25

Nope, not out of the woods yet: Japan, fearing reactor vessel is cracked and leaking radioactivity, urges people within 19 miles to evacuate ... Trouble in "paradise": Bend police say disappearance of Sandra Meyer, 72, and shooting death of husband John, 71, now considered likely murder-suicide ... Are you mad yet? New York Times reports General Electric, which made $14.2 billion in profits worldwide and $5.1 billion in US in 2010, owes no federal taxes and in fact will get $3.2 billion refund ... Still not mad? US corporate profits bust all records in 2010, posting $1.68 trillion in fourth quarter alone. So where are the jobs? ... Ewww, gross! Brazilian surgeon says that in secret 1995 operation he removed fat from Muammar Qaddafi's belly and injected it into his face to make him look younger.

Saturday, March 26

Freedom advances: Libyan rebels, aided by a week of bombing by NATO countries, retake key town of Ajdabiya. Crowds chant "Thank you Obama" ... Spring break fun and games: More than a dozen vehicles pile up in chain-reaction crash on icy Forest Service road near Bend. No serious injuries ... Even in Ashland: Southern Oregon bastion of liberalism considering "exclusion zone" to deal with problem of homeless people ... The high price of sin: Pacific Northwest chapter of Jesuit order agrees to pay $166 million to settle more than 500 sex abuse claims, third-largest payout by Catholic Church in such cases ... A pioneer passes: Geraldine Ferraro, first woman VP candidate in US history (she ran with Walter Mondale in 1984) dies at age 75.

Sunday, March 27

In real hot water: Japanese discover high levels of radiation in water inside nuke plant, setting back recovery effort ... Mideast ups and downs: Libyan rebels in rapid advance with help of airstrikes, closing in on Qaddafi's capital city of Tripoli ... Things not going so well for protesters in Syria as government crackdown kills 12 ... All around the NFL: New Line Cinema buys rights for movie about Laura Vikmanis, 42, the NFL's oldest cheerleader. She's one of the Cincinnati Ben-Gals ... Meanwhile Denver Broncos QB Tim Tebow to model Jockey underwear. No word on whether it will have Biblical verses on it ... A heaping helping of hysteria: In magazine interview, Tea Party sugar daddy David Koch says Obama is "the most radical president we've ever had as a nation ... and has done more damage to the free enterprise system and long-term prosperity than any president we've ever had." Gosh.

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